One Liners (ar - az)
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| Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
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| A real friend is someone who takes a winter vacation on a sun-drenched beach and does not send a card. (Farmer's Almanac)
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| A real patriot is someone who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
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A relationship is like sand in your hand. If held loosely in the palm of your hand it stays there, but as soon as you close your hand tightly it slips through your fingers.
A relationship is like that held tenderly with respect for the other person it last, but once you close your hand to hold on tightly it slips through your fingers.
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| A religion that is small enough for us to understand would not be large enough for our needs.
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| A retired husband is a wife's full time job.
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| Are you fuel for your job or is your job fuel for you. (Prof. Preston Bottger)
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| Are you living for the things you are praying for? (Austin Phelps)
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| Are you wrinkled with burden? Come onto Church for a FAITH LIFT!
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| A rich person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least.
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A rookie cop was asked the following question on an examination: "How would you go about dispersing a crowd?"
He answered: "Take up an offering. That does it every time."
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A rose can say I Love You. . . orchids can enthrall. . .
but a weed bouquet in a chubby fist. . . OH MY that says it all!
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| Artichokes are like humans: you have to go through so much to get to the heart. (Kathy Good)
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| Art is work, to sell it is art.
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| A rumor is as hard to unspread as butter.
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| As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
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| A sad Texan once prayed, "Lord, I wish you would make it rain - not so much for me, I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."
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| As a man begins to live more seriously within; he begins to live more simply without.
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As a rule,
Man's a fool.
When it's hot,
He wants it cool.
And when it's cool,
He wants it hot,
Always wanting
What is not.
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| A scientist knows more & more about less & less till he knows everything about nothing while a philosopher knows less & less about more & more till he knows nothing about everything.
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| A seafood diet is the best: whenever you see food, eat it.
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| A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago.
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| A sharp tongue and a dull mind are usually found in the same head.
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| A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for. (John A. Shedd)
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| A signature always reveals a man's character... and sometimes even his name.
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| A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
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| A single reason why you can do something is worth 100 reasons why you can't.
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| A sinning man will stop praying. A praying man will stop sinning.
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| As intelligence increases speach decreases. (Ali bin Abi Talib)
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| As I said before, I never repeat myself.
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| Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life. (Chinese proverb)
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| Asking the boss for a rise may not be patriotic, but it will help the government with the extra tax if it comes off.
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| Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.
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| As long as people keep killing people, to stop the killing of people, the killing will go on.
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| As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
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| As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy rent-free space in your mind. (Isabelle Holland)
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| As long as you put in the work, you can own the dream. When the work stops, the dream disappears. (Jim Dietz)
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| A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.
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| A smile is a curve that sets things straight.
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| A smile is a fortune, but you can't sell it, you can't buy it and you can't steal it, but it isn't good to anyone until it is given away.
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| A smile is the cheapest way to improve your looks, even if your teeth are crooked.
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| A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling system of the head and the heating system of the heart.
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| A smile on your face can be felt on anothers heart. (Rhonda Marlow)
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| A smooth sea never made a skillful mariner. (English Proverb
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| "As often as you eat this bread and drink this cup" (today) "you proclaim my death" (yesterday) "until I come again." (future)
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| Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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| A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. (Benjamin Franklin)
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| A stand can be made against invasion of an army; no stand can be made against invasion of an idea.
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| A statesman shears the sheep. A politician skins them.
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| A status symbol is a symbol, not status.
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| A stone thrown at the right time is better than gold given at the wrong time. (Persian proverb)
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A student writes a letter via telegram to his Dad . . .
It goes . . . no fun, send mon, your Son!
Dad write back saying . . . so sad, too bad, your Dad!
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A succesful man makes more money than his woman can spend.
A succesful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie
replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
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| A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible, Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. Then came the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation. When it was his turn, Rick stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
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A Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah, the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times - "Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, " I know, I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"
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| A Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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| A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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| A sweater is usually put on a child when the parent feels chilly.
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| A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
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At age 20 we worry about what others think of us.
At 40 we don't care what they think of us.
At 60 we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.
(Ann Landers)
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At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
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| A talent is formed in stillness, a character in the world's torrent.
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At a party, a woman walked up to Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States, and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."
Coolidge replied, "You lose."
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| A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops. (Henry Adams)
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A teacher asked her students if they could use the words 'defeat, defense, and detail' in a sentence.
Little Johnny was a smartly, so he answered with, " De feet of de dog went over de fence before de tail."
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A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."
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A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity.
Teacher: "Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"
Child: "In the Garden of Eden?"
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| A tear shed can say more than a hundred words spoken.
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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number..." replied the girl.
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The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be
found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't.
The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. (Ann Landers)
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| Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said: "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said:"Don't kid me, Mom. I know they're my feet."
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| A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense.
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| A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
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| A true friend walks in when the world walks out.
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| A truth spoken before its time is dangerous.
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At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."
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| At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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| Attend Church weekly NOT weakly.
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| At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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| Attitude might not catch fish, but it helps when you don't.
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| Attitude must be an art because it draws, and not a science because it can't be measured.
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| A twofold national problem is how to preserve the wilderness in the country and get rid of the jungle in the cities.
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| At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
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| "Automatic" simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
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| Autopsy is a dying practice.
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| Availability is better than ability for God.
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| Avarice hoards itself poor; charity gives itself rich. (German proverb)
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| A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
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| A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his
mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are
you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so
dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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| A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.
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| A vicar was preparing to leave his parish. In order to avoid a particular
parishioner being sad, he said "Don't worry, you'll probably get a better
man." "Not necessarily," replied the parishioner, "that's what the last one
said before he left."
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| A weird thing about humans is we work till we're sick to get a fortune, then pay a fortune to get well again.
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| A wife is a person who can look in the top drawer of a dresser and find a man's handkerchief that isn't there.
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A winner says, "There must be a better way to do it".
A loser says, "This is the way it has always been done here".
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| A wise enemy is still safer than a fool friend.
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| A wise man among the ignorant is as a beautiful girl in the company of blind men. (Saadi, Persian poet)
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| A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. (Baltasar Gracian)
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| A wise man may look ridiculous in the company of fools. (Thomas Fuller)
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| A wise man sees as much as he should, not as much as he can.
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| A wise person escapes temptation and leaves no forwarding address.
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| A wise person has something to say, a fool has to say something.
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| A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
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| A 'wish' changes nothing. A 'decision' changes everything!
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| A woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.
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| A woman's greatest power is her vulnerability.
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| A woman's heart is like a campfire; if you don't tend it often the flame will go out. (Willie M. Lawrence)
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| A word gets its meaning by the person who speaks it.
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| A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.
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| A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
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| A young boy about five or six years was talking on the telephone. As his dad listened on, the youngster told his grandparents dejectedly,
"Mom is in the hospital, so the twins and Roxie, Billy, Sally, the dog, and me and Dad are all home alone."
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A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in South Carolina. A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine, twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."
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| A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from countless refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously. "It seems to me that we've blessed all this stuff before."
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| A young minister was helping his wife with the dishes meanwhile complaining: "This is not a man's job!" "Oh, yes, it is!" she said, as she quoted from 2 Kings 21:13, "I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a
dish, wiping it and turning it upside down!"
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| A young person knows the rules but the old person knows the exceptions.
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Comment or Share Your Own One Liner
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